The Man Without Fear!

i'm a liar

The DEADEST one of all!
anteyes
its okay to make up words when there's nothing else that can describeCollapse )

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now i understand what a true mental block is. its when you're brain fails you when you most need it. i failed the stupid practicals, i probably got low in the long test after.. and it sucks feeling cheated. i only had an hour and thirty minutes of sleep last night, and i still failed.

this week sucks. i wish i was an astronaut.

psychology borders on philosophy
anteyes
'Freud viewed homosexuality as an instance of a narcissistic form of object choice, in which people fall in love with an idealized version of themselves projected onto another person.'
-kaplan and sadock's synopsis of psychiatry

what a shocking perspective. is there truth to it? do you agree or disagree? is it deficient or is on the dot?

i should be panicking now for the stupid psychiatry test tomorrow but i can't help being drawn into the stupid text. so i haven't memorized anything! hahaha. oh no.

lucky lucky
anteyes
another monologueCollapse )

rain rain rain
anteyes
i'm here at an internet cafe in my building along p.noval, beside ust. it's been raining all day and its been a killer of an experience for me. flood here is up to the knees, and i can't even get out to buy food at the ministop next door. i'm really fucking bored, and when i'm bored i eat, and i'm slowly running out of good food. all that's left is crappy canned goods.

so far though it's been interesting. hey less food means i don't eat so much yeah? plus it's so boring i started on the yoga deck i stashed away here. yoga's fucking hard. my body's not meant for flexibility anymore! hehe. bet i look really stupid rolling all over the floor trying to get my head to touch my toes. oh yeah and i started reading the gospel of judas. pretty interesting. it's a leftover from the gnostic losing side of the theology wars. basically the gospel talks about jesus coming to share divine wisdom, and that judas was the only one who really understood him. so jesus taught judas all about how humans have a spark of the divine in them, and that they could join god through pursuing knowledge and self-awareness. judas killing jesus was the way by which he freed jesus from the shackles of a mortal body, rather than jesus dying to save us from our sins. it's actually very socratic when you think about it. how we reach the divine through pursuing knowledge, tapos that spark within us is like socrates' daimon. interesting read.. apparently there were a shitload of people who interpreted jesus differently, and there's a shitload of writings we don't see cause they'd obviously be ruled out as heretical right? i mean i'm all christian and i don't really doubt my faith or anything. it's just interesting reading other sides and other views on jesus.

anyway there. im really bored. i'm almost done with the book too. and i've been done studying since 2pm. haha. maybe ill bring more stuff to do here. might even bring the tv. maybe i should install world of warcraft on the laptop. hehe. god it's really boring.

shine a light
anteyes
keep my head uptight. i know my plans at night, and i don't sleep, i don't sleep, i don't sleep til' it's light. some people float while some are buried alive.

i'm at my second month at medical school and i'm still alive though maybe a little more than half dead. my next universal revelation: life is hard. i swear you can't appreciate these little cliche's until you're drowning in one.

i still haven't figured out the secret to surviving. it's like half the time i'm doing great, the other half i'm grasping for a handhold. at some point everyday i feel like i want to give up and die, and strangely the only thing that consoles me is the thought that there are a lot of people going through the same crap i'm going through. that, and a remnant of my formerly bursting pride and ego just won't let me prove them better people than me.

i heard that they cut hundreds from the first year of medical school. some quit, but most just flunk. i'm not really surprised. i'm just scared that i'll be one of the casualties. it's really easy to do. one good mistake and your dead and out. it isn't surprising that i find myself back to my sad sad disposition.
one thing that nurtures my depression is the atmosphere at ust. it's the complete opposite of ateneo life. admu has a great egalitarian atmosphere of free-thinking and idealism where people respect your personal space. in ust, it's float or die at the bottom of the societal drainpipe, the repository of manila's voluminous excrement. here in hell, they stomp on your individuality, stiffle your voice, sandpaper your conscience and tear little bits off your resolve to remain above it all. here everyone is a black crab at the bottom of the stove pot. money is life, and life is long and difficult. i swear it's the most depressing area i've ever been to in my life. heck, a malnourished old woman in a duster came super close to picking my pocket. and at one restaurant there were beggar hands tapping the table next to our plates as we were having lunch.

i'm probably exagerrating about how terrible it is. but just a little.
i'm probably also tired, under stress and unaware of deep trauma. i'll probably get used to it.
but i swear..

to sit on those plastic benches watching the trees sway 5 minutes past the bell to your last class..
to go home tired knowing you can waste the whole night on whatever you want to do, and to know that home is only ten minutes away..
these are things i can only dream about now. good memories. i fucking miss ateneo. hehe.

zen is so hard to understand
anteyes
been reading zen stories from this site i stumbledupon. there are so many different ideas that i can't keep track of the underlying truth the philosophy want's to impart. however, each story on its own imparts an awesome idea with its own rationale. here ya go! its an awesome thing to trip over. http://www.101zenstories.com/

example:
Great Waves

In the early days of the Meiji era there lived a well-known wrestler called O-nami, Great Waves.

O-nami was immensly strong and knew the art of wresting. In his private bouts he defeated even his teacher, but in public was so bashful that his own pupils threw him.

O-nami felt he should go to a Zen master for help. Hakuju, a wandering teacher, was stopping in a little temple nearby, so O-nami went to see him and told him of his great trouble.

"Great Waves is your name," the teacher advised, "so stay in this temple tonight. Imagine that you are those billows. You are no longer a wrestler who is afraid. You are those huge waves sweeping everything before them, swallowing all in their path. Do this and you will be the greatest wrestler in the land."

The teacher retired. O-nami sat in meditation trying to imagine himself as waves. He thought of many different things. Then gradualy he turned more and more to the feeling of waves. As the night advanced the waves became larger and larger. They swept away the flowers in their vases. Even the Buddha in the shrine was inundated. Before dawn the temple was nothing but the ebb and flow of an immense sea.

In the morning the teacher found O-nami meditating, a faint smile on his face. He patted the wrestler's shoulder. "Now nothing can disturb you," he said. "You are those waves. You will sweep everything before you."

The same day O-nami entered the wrestling contests and won. After that, no one in Japan was able to defeat him.

sorry for the spamming
anteyes
i'm in singapore right now. it's awesome. went to the largest fountain in the world earlier and they dedicated sexy back to my sister and me as this laser light show materialized out of the falling water. hahaha. 'hello cat and anthony. welcome and be prosperous!' you're supposed to walk around the fountain 3 times and make one wish, and it's supposed to come true. hehe. hope mine does.

after that we saw the merlion, the baby merlion, the fullerton hotel and the 150year old bridge near it. then we saw the asian museum, the courthouse, the clocktower.. singapore's really small. i love how they really value their heritage and history here. then finally we ate out at lau pa sat. ateneo college people probably know that satay stall at the caf with the same name. this was the real lau pa sat! it's this street at the business district of singapore that they close down at nights so that hawkers can set up shop. the food is freaking awesome. pork, beef and chicken satay in peanut sauce and oyster omelette! i forgot the names of the other stuff we ate but they were all good. kwey loon haw pak jun jun.. the names sound like that.

tomorrow we're gonna check out the day safari at the singapore zoo. i missed out on that the last trip. then at night we're watching Phantom of the Opera at this durian building concert hall with front row seats! spectacular! magnifique! i'm really excited for it. we're trying to book tickets pa for an under the moonlight picnic park performance of A Midsummer Night's Dream! that's what i really want to watch. but we'll see. hopefully we get to do that. it's an adaptation lang of shakespeare's play, but i'm thinking it's gonna be great to watch it either way, given the setting and all.

it's at these times that i wish i was more into cameras and photography. the skyline, the structures and the scenery are beautiful. wish i could capture it and share it. i was at hongkong last week and i didn't really like it much. disneyland was pretty awesome, cause i grew up with all the characters, but the city overall wasn't too nice. the sightseeing was poor, with only a few noteworthy monuments. there wasn't much to do except shop, which i don't really look for in trips. plus the people there are either bitches or assholes, with kind faces few and far between. and i didn't see one hot girl while i was there. here there are a lot!

yeah... singapore is cool. if i work hard in med, hopefully they'll accept me into the john hopkins here for residency. it's something i gotta think about pa later on cause i might not get as many weird patients here cause it's so clean, plus they use the british medical system whereas the philippines uses the american system. i don't know yet. hehe. first things first.. get good grades!

umm.. hope you're all doing alright. to my brothers: andrew we got you a watch. it's nice. kuya we haven't gotten you anything yet. sorry. and we saw an olympus fe 220 that costs 299 SGD, which is about 9,000PHP, or 180USD. thats at an expensive mall, and noone had the olypmus fe 240. text us nalang what to do! and check it out on the net nalang for the specks! we're going to simlim friday.
oh and mom and tito henry kinda want us to stay an extra day. so we might go home the 14th, which would sorta suck cause you'll be heading back to new york by then.. umm.. it all depends on if it's possible to change the flight which so far hasn't been possible, but you know how it goes.. basta text nalang! seeya.

(no subject)
anteyes
i need to buy a truck for ust. is anyone good with cars or where to find em? i gotta find a good manual pickup that can drive through floods and shit. and i can't spend too much! siguro 500k max lang. help me out anybody?

everything and nothing
anteyes
i have this crazy idea for easter but i don't know if i should do it cause it might be inappropriate. hahaha. guess i gotta think it over first.
i feel so impotent when it comes to relationship things. i don't know how people just end up together! hahaha. so sad for this college graduate. it's like i was surer of myself in high school or something. too many crazy and wrong decisions i guess. and i get these big torpe phases. i mean can you blame me? everytime i try to do something romantic or whatever, i find a way to mess it up! like when i gave the rose to ro in blue roast! i squished a half full beer can on the way there, sending beer squirting into the sky, in the middle where everyone could see me, and ended up stumbling in front of her after the fiasco. THEN.. i gave her the rose but completely forgot my prepared speech! AND THEN.. she asked me why i was holding 3 roses!! i forgot to leave the others behind! then i went 'oh i was given some of these'.. then she went 'bakit mo binibigay yung binigay sayo sa ibang tao?!! and sama nun!' so then i had to start explaining that i wasn't really giving what was given to me.. and then finally it got resolved and she hugged me! which was pretty damn understanding of her considering how crazy the whole situation looked. hahahah. so yun.. wow. hahaha.
pero yun. torpe is bad. better to be stupid looking than torpe i think.

i still don't have a medschool! but after reading elle's blog, i figured i'll just reserve with ue and stay there. st.lukes is pretty weird nga, and i've been hearing a lotta strange things about that school. so yun. hayyy.. must start reading my anatomy. and physiology.

i went back to the gym today. see, my tito might have a heart problem and he's in his 30's palang. so i got scared cause my cousins are only 11 and 15 years old, and they're pretty big. one's massive! like 200+ pounds already! so i made them hatak to start working out. we've been jogging every night, are on a fish diet and are back to regular boxing again. the older cousin i brought to try out gym. then when we were there i realized i was a crappy gym instructor, so i just made him do the treadmill instead of risking him developing an injury.
i figured i'd go back nadin to gym and i'd try to make it so that my body asked for it. see, i figured once i get to med it'll be hard to make a new routine considering the workload of the whole thing. so i'm gonna do it now! wahoo. hehe.

oh yeah and ghost riders not bad naman. i watched up to half and fell asleep, but generally i felt it was okay. i hope fantastic four 2 comes out nice, but feeling ko di rin. haha. transformers nalang!

blue roast
anteyes
what a weird night.
ang daming nangyari. i didn't expect it to be that eventful.
all in all good fun! hahaha. no regrets!

it'll be another one of those 'what the hell happened last night?!!' wake ups tomorrow.
night friends! yogi bear.

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