anteyes

( its okay to make up words when there's nothing else that can describe )

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now i understand what a true mental block is. its when you're brain fails you when you most need it. i failed the stupid practicals, i probably got low in the long test after.. and it sucks feeling cheated. i only had an hour and thirty minutes of sleep last night, and i still failed.

this week sucks. i wish i was an astronaut.

'Freud viewed homosexuality as an instance of a narcissistic form of object choice, in which people fall in love with an idealized version of themselves projected onto another person.'
-kaplan and sadock's synopsis of psychiatry

what a shocking perspective. is there truth to it? do you agree or disagree? is it deficient or is on the dot?

i should be panicking now for the stupid psychiatry test tomorrow but i can't help being drawn into the stupid text. so i haven't memorized anything! hahaha. oh no.

i'm here at an internet cafe in my building along p.noval, beside ust. it's been raining all day and its been a killer of an experience for me. flood here is up to the knees, and i can't even get out to buy food at the ministop next door. i'm really fucking bored, and when i'm bored i eat, and i'm slowly running out of good food. all that's left is crappy canned goods.

so far though it's been interesting. hey less food means i don't eat so much yeah? plus it's so boring i started on the yoga deck i stashed away here. yoga's fucking hard. my body's not meant for flexibility anymore! hehe. bet i look really stupid rolling all over the floor trying to get my head to touch my toes. oh yeah and i started reading the gospel of judas. pretty interesting. it's a leftover from the gnostic losing side of the theology wars. basically the gospel talks about jesus coming to share divine wisdom, and that judas was the only one who really understood him. so jesus taught judas all about how humans have a spark of the divine in them, and that they could join god through pursuing knowledge and self-awareness. judas killing jesus was the way by which he freed jesus from the shackles of a mortal body, rather than jesus dying to save us from our sins. it's actually very socratic when you think about it. how we reach the divine through pursuing knowledge, tapos that spark within us is like socrates' daimon. interesting read.. apparently there were a shitload of people who interpreted jesus differently, and there's a shitload of writings we don't see cause they'd obviously be ruled out as heretical right? i mean i'm all christian and i don't really doubt my faith or anything. it's just interesting reading other sides and other views on jesus.

anyway there. im really bored. i'm almost done with the book too. and i've been done studying since 2pm. haha. maybe ill bring more stuff to do here. might even bring the tv. maybe i should install world of warcraft on the laptop. hehe. god it's really boring.

keep my head uptight. i know my plans at night, and i don't sleep, i don't sleep, i don't sleep til' it's light. some people float while some are buried alive.

i'm at my second month at medical school and i'm still alive though maybe a little more than half dead. my next universal revelation: life is hard. i swear you can't appreciate these little cliche's until you're drowning in one.

i still haven't figured out the secret to surviving. it's like half the time i'm doing great, the other half i'm grasping for a handhold. at some point everyday i feel like i want to give up and die, and strangely the only thing that consoles me is the thought that there are a lot of people going through the same crap i'm going through. that, and a remnant of my formerly bursting pride and ego just won't let me prove them better people than me.

i heard that they cut hundreds from the first year of medical school. some quit, but most just flunk. i'm not really surprised. i'm just scared that i'll be one of the casualties. it's really easy to do. one good mistake and your dead and out. it isn't surprising that i find myself back to my sad sad disposition.
one thing that nurtures my depression is the atmosphere at ust. it's the complete opposite of ateneo life. admu has a great egalitarian atmosphere of free-thinking and idealism where people respect your personal space. in ust, it's float or die at the bottom of the societal drainpipe, the repository of manila's voluminous excrement. here in hell, they stomp on your individuality, stiffle your voice, sandpaper your conscience and tear little bits off your resolve to remain above it all. here everyone is a black crab at the bottom of the stove pot. money is life, and life is long and difficult. i swear it's the most depressing area i've ever been to in my life. heck, a malnourished old woman in a duster came super close to picking my pocket. and at one restaurant there were beggar hands tapping the table next to our plates as we were having lunch.

i'm probably exagerrating about how terrible it is. but just a little.
i'm probably also tired, under stress and unaware of deep trauma. i'll probably get used to it.
but i swear..

to sit on those plastic benches watching the trees sway 5 minutes past the bell to your last class..
to go home tired knowing you can waste the whole night on whatever you want to do, and to know that home is only ten minutes away..
these are things i can only dream about now. good memories. i fucking miss ateneo. hehe.

been reading zen stories from this site i stumbledupon. there are so many different ideas that i can't keep track of the underlying truth the philosophy want's to impart. however, each story on its own imparts an awesome idea with its own rationale. here ya go! its an awesome thing to trip over. http://www.101zenstories.com/

example:
Great Waves

In the early days of the Meiji era there lived a well-known wrestler called O-nami, Great Waves.

O-nami was immensly strong and knew the art of wresting. In his private bouts he defeated even his teacher, but in public was so bashful that his own pupils threw him.

O-nami felt he should go to a Zen master for help. Hakuju, a wandering teacher, was stopping in a little temple nearby, so O-nami went to see him and told him of his great trouble.

"Great Waves is your name," the teacher advised, "so stay in this temple tonight. Imagine that you are those billows. You are no longer a wrestler who is afraid. You are those huge waves sweeping everything before them, swallowing all in their path. Do this and you will be the greatest wrestler in the land."

The teacher retired. O-nami sat in meditation trying to imagine himself as waves. He thought of many different things. Then gradualy he turned more and more to the feeling of waves. As the night advanced the waves became larger and larger. They swept away the flowers in their vases. Even the Buddha in the shrine was inundated. Before dawn the temple was nothing but the ebb and flow of an immense sea.

In the morning the teacher found O-nami meditating, a faint smile on his face. He patted the wrestler's shoulder. "Now nothing can disturb you," he said. "You are those waves. You will sweep everything before you."

The same day O-nami entered the wrestling contests and won. After that, no one in Japan was able to defeat him.

i'm in singapore right now. it's awesome. went to the largest fountain in the world earlier and they dedicated sexy back to my sister and me as this laser light show materialized out of the falling water. hahaha. 'hello cat and anthony. welcome and be prosperous!' you're supposed to walk around the fountain 3 times and make one wish, and it's supposed to come true. hehe. hope mine does.

after that we saw the merlion, the baby merlion, the fullerton hotel and the 150year old bridge near it. then we saw the asian museum, the courthouse, the clocktower.. singapore's really small. i love how they really value their heritage and history here. then finally we ate out at lau pa sat. ateneo college people probably know that satay stall at the caf with the same name. this was the real lau pa sat! it's this street at the business district of singapore that they close down at nights so that hawkers can set up shop. the food is freaking awesome. pork, beef and chicken satay in peanut sauce and oyster omelette! i forgot the names of the other stuff we ate but they were all good. kwey loon haw pak jun jun.. the names sound like that.

tomorrow we're gonna check out the day safari at the singapore zoo. i missed out on that the last trip. then at night we're watching Phantom of the Opera at this durian building concert hall with front row seats! spectacular! magnifique! i'm really excited for it. we're trying to book tickets pa for an under the moonlight picnic park performance of A Midsummer Night's Dream! that's what i really want to watch. but we'll see. hopefully we get to do that. it's an adaptation lang of shakespeare's play, but i'm thinking it's gonna be great to watch it either way, given the setting and all.

it's at these times that i wish i was more into cameras and photography. the skyline, the structures and the scenery are beautiful. wish i could capture it and share it. i was at hongkong last week and i didn't really like it much. disneyland was pretty awesome, cause i grew up with all the characters, but the city overall wasn't too nice. the sightseeing was poor, with only a few noteworthy monuments. there wasn't much to do except shop, which i don't really look for in trips. plus the people there are either bitches or assholes, with kind faces few and far between. and i didn't see one hot girl while i was there. here there are a lot!

yeah... singapore is cool. if i work hard in med, hopefully they'll accept me into the john hopkins here for residency. it's something i gotta think about pa later on cause i might not get as many weird patients here cause it's so clean, plus they use the british medical system whereas the philippines uses the american system. i don't know yet. hehe. first things first.. get good grades!

umm.. hope you're all doing alright. to my brothers: andrew we got you a watch. it's nice. kuya we haven't gotten you anything yet. sorry. and we saw an olympus fe 220 that costs 299 SGD, which is about 9,000PHP, or 180USD. thats at an expensive mall, and noone had the olypmus fe 240. text us nalang what to do! and check it out on the net nalang for the specks! we're going to simlim friday.
oh and mom and tito henry kinda want us to stay an extra day. so we might go home the 14th, which would sorta suck cause you'll be heading back to new york by then.. umm.. it all depends on if it's possible to change the flight which so far hasn't been possible, but you know how it goes.. basta text nalang! seeya.

i need to buy a truck for ust. is anyone good with cars or where to find em? i gotta find a good manual pickup that can drive through floods and shit. and i can't spend too much! siguro 500k max lang. help me out anybody?

i have this crazy idea for easter but i don't know if i should do it cause it might be inappropriate. hahaha. guess i gotta think it over first.
i feel so impotent when it comes to relationship things. i don't know how people just end up together! hahaha. so sad for this college graduate. it's like i was surer of myself in high school or something. too many crazy and wrong decisions i guess. and i get these big torpe phases. i mean can you blame me? everytime i try to do something romantic or whatever, i find a way to mess it up! like when i gave the rose to ro in blue roast! i squished a half full beer can on the way there, sending beer squirting into the sky, in the middle where everyone could see me, and ended up stumbling in front of her after the fiasco. THEN.. i gave her the rose but completely forgot my prepared speech! AND THEN.. she asked me why i was holding 3 roses!! i forgot to leave the others behind! then i went 'oh i was given some of these'.. then she went 'bakit mo binibigay yung binigay sayo sa ibang tao?!! and sama nun!' so then i had to start explaining that i wasn't really giving what was given to me.. and then finally it got resolved and she hugged me! which was pretty damn understanding of her considering how crazy the whole situation looked. hahahah. so yun.. wow. hahaha.
pero yun. torpe is bad. better to be stupid looking than torpe i think.

i still don't have a medschool! but after reading elle's blog, i figured i'll just reserve with ue and stay there. st.lukes is pretty weird nga, and i've been hearing a lotta strange things about that school. so yun. hayyy.. must start reading my anatomy. and physiology.

i went back to the gym today. see, my tito might have a heart problem and he's in his 30's palang. so i got scared cause my cousins are only 11 and 15 years old, and they're pretty big. one's massive! like 200+ pounds already! so i made them hatak to start working out. we've been jogging every night, are on a fish diet and are back to regular boxing again. the older cousin i brought to try out gym. then when we were there i realized i was a crappy gym instructor, so i just made him do the treadmill instead of risking him developing an injury.
i figured i'd go back nadin to gym and i'd try to make it so that my body asked for it. see, i figured once i get to med it'll be hard to make a new routine considering the workload of the whole thing. so i'm gonna do it now! wahoo. hehe.

oh yeah and ghost riders not bad naman. i watched up to half and fell asleep, but generally i felt it was okay. i hope fantastic four 2 comes out nice, but feeling ko di rin. haha. transformers nalang!

what a weird night.
ang daming nangyari. i didn't expect it to be that eventful.
all in all good fun! hahaha. no regrets!

it'll be another one of those 'what the hell happened last night?!!' wake ups tomorrow.
night friends! yogi bear.

god of war 2 still won't work on my ps! fucking sucks! but last night i finished prince of persia: warrior within, and it was the shit!! that was an epic parkour game!! hahaha. i'm gonna get the next prince of persia game later! its gonna be awesome. might get metal gear subsistence din.

just downloaded victoria's secret fashion show! they are sooo hot!! fuckkkkk.... hotness walking on a runway! i'm in love with one of the blondes, and two of the brunettes. adriana! and i can't find the names of the other two but i'm gonna look it up.

waha ang sarap ng buhay. i'm super broke pero sarap just to bum out to the maximum! all i'm doing is finishing old books, playing video games, dungeons and dragons, catching up on tv shows and, pag di tamad, jogging. everything i want to do and only what i want to do. hahaha.
great considering how strenous last week was. bataan tapos moutain climbing tapos beach tapos beach ulit tapos lasing to death. sometimes its great just to stay at home. next week trabaho na eh! so its chill time. chill time!
dunno kung lalabas pa ko mamaya. traffic siguro nakakatamad.

hey anyone got awesome old ps2 games i missed out on? lend it to me! i'm geeking out.

i just got home.
i love climbing mountains and seeing the world from the top.
i love the gnawing pain in your legs as you assault the steepest parts of the mountain
i love the rest stops where the wind whips you until all the fatigue fades away.
i love the excitement that comes with discovering trail markers.
i love the feeling that you're nothing and that you can die at any moment and the world will go on forever not caring that you're gone.
i love the easy descent down a mountain thats been a pretty demanding bitch the first half of the way.
i love ambling around in the dark on a deserted beach
i love sleeping halfdrunk with no sleeping bag or pillow flat on the beach, with a sky bursting with stars (even though i was sorta stupid that night).
i really like seeing shooting stars.
i love long swims from cove to cove.
i love climbing sheer rock faces that have limited handholds, where dying is a real possibility.
i love water rugby.
i love tackling people and throwing them face down into the ground.
i freaking love all the people who i went there with. it wouldn't be half as amazing without them.

i've got a shitload of deadly sunburns. i'm a black nigger again. one of my toes is apparently broken, and the nail nearly came off it. i've got jelly fish bites on my arm and legs. i've got thorn love marks all over my body. i've got a couple of bruises and human made scratches from people who tried to tackle me. i smelled like tamaraw crap and rotting bacon up until 30minutes ago. my inner thighs been cramping up since last night. i think i got more stupid and spaced out along the way. i am flat broke.
fucking hell. that was the most fulfilling, most tiring activity i'd ever gone to.
i want to do it again.
its surreal. it's like its hard to see myself as having done all that i've done the past two days. so fucking awesome! i am so cool! hahaha.
okay tama na.. hehe. i really should be resting right now but i just wanted to get most of it down while the memories and feelings were fresh.

goodnight everybody! ang ganda ng buhay.

mountain climbing tomorrow!! woohoo!! i don't know how to pack parin pero okay lang.
i'm really anxious about tomorrow cause i'm a fatass! sana i can keep up. or at least keep ahead of the other newbie climbers. i mean nakakahiya if i fall behind. i've been jogging and dieting to lose weight the past week, and there's a little progress that i hope will pay off tomorrow.

in other news, bataan gave my grandpa award! read andrews last entry about it. it was pretty cool how people were all revering him and being so polite. funny enrico villanueva, the basketball guy, was from the same barangay as my grandpa and he received an award too that night! small world. anyway my grandpa is the most inspiring person in the world to me. he's the mega-idol! the only non-fictional person i truly idolize in every single way. he's never selfish, he's easy going, he's hardworking, he's generous, he respects people and he's religious! good gravy its so hard to be a virtuous person, but if he's taught me anything, its that it's possible.

anyway i've been tutoring my cousin again cause its his exams, and i realized that when you're young its not so much that you gotta understand everything you learn. its more of you have to be able to memorize everything. if you can memorize well then its easy to ace grade school exams! the books even have the important words in bold so its clear what you gotta memorize. the tests usually pick directly from the book. i'm really frustrated though cause my cousins so hard to teach. tamad magaral eh! and i blame it on his mother, cause she doesnt sit down and teach the kid. she doesn't encourage him to excel in school and she doesn't affirm his qualities. she's tamad to do it, and look.. her son ends up having a hard time at school. he ends up getting inferiority complexes and effeminate tendencies. augh... it sucks. i gotta marry someone who'll be maalaga to the kids. someone who won't neglect them.

okay okay. gotta get back to packing. seeya!

i'm free!!! i'm cleared! my thesis is in the book binding! plus i'm officially accepted in one medschool! wahoo!! but now i have so much to do:

1. finish ff12
2. catch up to heroes
3. finish ultimate alliance
4. start guild wars
5. complete everyones d&d characters
6. start the d&d campaign i've been planning
7. make 2 originals for kinkajou
8. upgrade to vista
9. finish reading fables
10. finish reading the goon
11. find out how the heck cap died
12. go climb a mountain
13. go to tali
14. earn money (yech. summer with no money.)
15. parkour again! yeah. gotta get back in shape.

..i know meron pa eh. i'm forgetting something. anyway i'll remember later.
300 ROCKSS!!! FUCKING KICKASS MOVIE!!! THIS IS MADNESSS!!! THIS IS SPARTAAAA!!
and like a good faithful geek i've started running again to lose my weight. by saturday i think i'll be back at the gym. wahoo! this'll be awesome. i'm gonna look like a spartan! i bet its gonna take a year to do. at least.

aughhh... last day tomorrow! my thesis defense!!! FUCKKKK!! I'M GONNA GET SHOT DOWN LIKE A DOG!! I JUST KNOW IT!!! i re-read the weekend paper i wrote, and ang daming logic flaws!! i mean the main point is there... but the reasoning sucks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
fuckkk.... AUGHHH!! LORD HELP ME!!! if anything please let me graduate. i don't want to go through another summers worth of going to school! i want it to be OVER!!
everyones fucking done.. and i'm so damn sure that it's gonna suck like hell tomorrow!!

fuck.. showmanship. showmanship. i just gotta wow them all with eloquence or something..
tae tae tae!! aksjdf;lajsdfl;kjasl;dkfjas;lkdjflkasdjfl;kasjdf

pray for me PLEASE!!!!

i did a whole years thesis in one week. pray i can bluff my way through this one.

TBS Medley

We're gonna die like this you know! Miserable and old!
I'm not one for complaining
As we slowly fall apart
This is what we're up, up against
maybe i should hate you for this?
well i can't regret
i never made a scene
if we're keeping score

and will you tell all your friends
what it feels like to be a ghost?
can you just forget it?
liar
it's times like these when silence means everything
forget me. it's that simple.
it's just what anyone would do
this all was only wishful thinking
i'm gonna make damn sure
i'm something you'll be missing
tonight won't make a difference



hehehehehehehehe. fuck i'm going crazy! okay. okay. tulog na ko. then work in the morning and hopefully i got my data and most of the first draft done by tomorrow. night everyone.:D

i can't believe its bye bye in two weeks.

no more sitting on the bench waiting for hot girls to walk by. no more bitching about how hot the weather is. no more standing in the comp lab waiting for a computer. no more hiding from stupid id guards. no more paying 50bucks for a last minute report to submit. no more searching for good food in the caf. no more sitting in interesting classes. no more counting cuts. no more school based extra-curriculars. no more getting drunk before having a long test. no more looking for kasama to drink just to kill time. no more sleeping in the library. no more chilling at the field watching soccer people. no more flag football for me. no more midday random gimmicks to eastwood and gateway. no more singing in the laboratory. no more listening to high pitched girls ranting about something i have no idea why they care about(which is very entertaining). no more sitting at starbucks pretending to study when you just went for the company. no more hassle fuck school. no more paasa and pinaasa. no more bitch people in the microcosm of society. no more love and hate and break and die and i felt so alive that time and slash and chill and burn and wait. no more nothing at stake.

the one im gonna miss is me being in college with everyone and everything.
good times good times.

sana i graduate. haha. okay back to thesis.

aughhh... im dying!! our sins come back! tanginang school yan. rghhghhhh...

first of all, the physio longtest really sucked. i was planning to study the whole of last night, but ended up falling asleep after an event that happened at home. anyway, i woke up 630am and started studying for the exam. finished taking a bath, dressing up and reading all the slides by 8:10am, then i rushed to school for the 830am test. and it sucked so bad. i knew NOTHING!

to compound that, i went to st.lukes to have my interview right after the test. more or less it wasn't a hassle. they were pretty considerate with the applicants. its just that when i entered the room the associate deans first reaction was 'ang taas taas ng nmat mo pero grades mo 82 average lang!'

so there. that summed me up completely i think. it said 'matalino ka pero tamad ka.' and i honestly reflecting on that statement all the way back to ateneo made me more insecure than i'd ever been in my life. cause really, medicine will take hard work. heck, the rest of my life will take hard work. and here i am, still desires bitchslapped property, still control's prodigal son. to think i used to respect myself for my self-control, way way back when i was grade 7. and for me, i really value hard work more than natural ability. why? cause if you use what you've been given to the best of your ability, even though you don't make it past some people, you're still the better man. kasi ginawa mo ang lahat para makamit ang gusto mo. kaya pala people fall in love. i wonder if anyone will get that.

i'm just letting it out cause it sucks so bad and i can see the exact place i'm gonna end up if i keep on going like this. old habits die so hard. hehe. oh well. try try again i guess.

wow. yun lang. happy birthday pala kay raymond! at kay lace! and to my grandpa who's gonna be almost 80 this feb10.

and to alexa! miss na kita! please email me and tell me everything! my emails 'tonydrilon@yahoo.com'
you gotta tell me all about hawaii and how you're making it big there. cheers!
night everybody. big day again tomorrow.

i was at ust earlier today and i saw all these med students walking around and i figured, god willing, i'm gonna be wearing one of those weird white suits pretty soon. shite! everythings happening so fast. few months and everyone will be somewhere else doing something else. funny how things go. for me it isn't like a prison break episode where its over right after it started. it feels more of like a boring play i'm at the end of. like i've been asleep the whole time, or drugged up a whole night, and i'm finally waking up. its weird how it's so stressful and so scary, but its more exciting than anything.
i mean we have 3 weeks i think? 3 weeks to cram all the stuff that needs to be done, wrap up all the loose ends, and then LIFE. real life. like having to deal with survival. confronted with death! confronted with LIFE (which is scarier)!
i hate ust though. i seriously don't want to go there. and they're all contriving to bribe me to go to ust by finally getting me my own car, but my hearts really not into it. i mean i've been there 4 times and everything feels off to me. i feel like i don't and won't belong. i want to go to the ateneo med school. i don't need to have a car titled to me. i have a car to drive when i need it. i'll just buy a car when i start working. i really want ateneo med school. it's new and i won't be making as many contacts, but if i promise to work my ass off and become a brilliant doctor, you think they'll let me go? cause i really really want to go there.

i was talking with my sister earlier tonight and i realized that a lot of shits happened already. i want to say i woke up and 'poof' im old!, but it really wasn't like that. everything eventually catches up to you. and not just me. i listen a lot about whats happening to everybody and its really interesting what people have gone through, and what they're going through, especially in the context of what they've been through already. everything eventually catches up to you. a bit of the karma concept is true i think. but its more of you do it to yourself rather than some deity comes to either bless you or bite your ass off. and i'm glad everyones still alive.
its really cold these days. heard that the winds coming from siberia. pretty cool.